Strike First, Strike Hard, No Mercy?
Today is Tuesday, I woke up at 10AM and had my breakfast meticulously created for me by my new helper. A devout born-again Christian named Evelyn who talks the talk and walks the walk. She has been most helpful in the past few months of my own personal darkness, she is the positive bubble in my household telling me that humanity isn’t all that doomed and I am not the majority. I opened my desktop at 4PM to play some Fallout:New Vegas on Steam but I decided to write on this medium thingy. Herein lies free-writing. It may not go anywhere but dang if it ain’t entertaining for y’all.
I binged Cobra Kai last night as I continued on through my night reluctantly avoiding my commitments to upkeep my body and go through the training required for my health and my continued well being and sanity(Happily reporting I’ve been somewhat consistent in training, 3x a week every week so far).
It had a lot of 80’s gimmick and ill-placed nostalgia skits but the simple lessons and juxtaposition of the two protagonists and all the life lessons they’ve learned with karate have got me so soft and teary-eyed as I introspectively peeked into my own life and how these lessons affect me. The father figure or lacking thereof tv trope got to me as well. There was a part of me wishing I had Mr.Larusso or Sensei Lawrence as a Father instead of the vile narcissistic and manipulative poser that life has appointed me.
Since my last post, I’ve had the hardest time balancing being well, working towards THINKING well, and injecting bouts of being my ill old self when no one is around and I can be on my own and wallow in my own filth, shamefulness, and disgust at the heap flesh body bag looking back in the mirror in a somewhat newfound therapeutic manner. An acute dose of self-inflicted loathsome pep talk I’ve grown accustomed to in my road to recovery. It’s not ideal, it’s not conventional but it’s working like a charm in keeping me grounded enough to want to keep improving and doing good to myself and my love, and my community. Since the last post, my Mother and I also installed a new glass sliding door in the living room connecting to my home gym.
A bit better is never enough and the constant striving for improvement is what got me so far in my own iron game from my starting strength into squeezing my way into a title at my sport. Eventually, I’m hoping it’ll go away and I’ll be more comfortable being alone and in my own skin.
The first day when my girlfriend goes home to their house and leaves me after weeks of great company is the hardest and most important day for me in my recovery. It sets the tone for most of the weeks or days I’m left to my own device and how I perceive where I am at in my journey to not being fucking stuck an eccentric hateful obese asshole. I’m always so careful on the first day. Not to offend, not to be absent, not to over-fixate on something that doesn’t serve me, not to overdo my continuous communication with her and make time for myself and my own developments and demons slaying.
My girlfriend has been the most patient throughout my transformations. I’ve always been scared of my partners. Scared of being abandoned, hated, not loved back and this insecurity has kept me from telling whole truths and withholding information. It’s been a constant strain in my life and on how I see myself. I can’t fathom how strong she is and must’ve been to keep taking my irresponsibility and my avoidant callous auto-piloting nature in the past few months and still love me, I sometimes tell myself in passing “Huh, I must’ve been a really great guy in her eyes and she must be hurting so bad seeing me fall so hard”. I have been wanting to change ever since I woke up to the fact that Cee is different from people I used to know and of all the people I should try the hardest with her to make it work and not give up on myself. She asks of nothing but me to take care of myself better and even that I struggled to start on.
She’s seen only my descent into madness from our first few months of my wooing her at 70% of my capacity, me like a total asshole blinded yet again by my worst habit of fixating on something like winning her over and somehow tricking her into thinking the man she was with the first one to two months of being with me was the whole of me and not just a polished up safe version, a deceitful veil yet again put on without a second spent on thinking by me the Chameleon Man who can wear different faces and masks for any occasion or any social group I’d want to penetrate.
Fast-forward to being mindlessly obsessed with winning Philippines Strongest Man and a National Powerlifting championships in my home country that too took a strain on things. How could you cope with winning something you’ve spent all of 6 years towards to? What comes next? Aimlessness, lost, purposeless, and scared Carlos is what comes next. Winning was the worst thing to ever happen to my fragile head I lost purpose, I lost routine, I lost myself. I’ve done the only person that believes in me a great injustice throughout the almost two years of being with her almost daily and this has been the driving force in my current mission in being the best version of myself yet again. I’ve done so much damage and so much dishonesty towards everyone and to myself and my lover and I’m so grateful that these guys, this woman is real and she stood by me as much as she could endure my malfeasance and my inability to do my role well as a supportive partner the same way she is to me.
The thing that helped me out the most ironically was just saying fuck it and doing something that made me feel better about myself. Daily. Extremely hard to get up and walk for 5mins even because what’s the point? But it worked. It worked like a goddamn 68yr old Japanese Omakase sensei Chef. 5mins turned into 10 and 10 turned into an hour of lifting and 30 minutes of walking and being more involved in me and Cees business and me being more present and less inside my head. So to all out there striving to make sense out of all the emotions scratching their way out or into you. Give but five minutes to get outside of your room and walk outside and muster up the courage to talk to strangers. You’ll feel better. Man, I’ve found out and confirmed just now was not designed to live and be isolated, we’re not stronger from it. I’ve been a jacked, very muscular, high paid young professional and I still was not safe from the fiend’s grip of the big sad and the D. No one is. It’s up to us to take as long as we need but eventually. We need to flip the script. The labels need to be updated and the tags need to be changed.
This post has gone a long way from my original intent. I guess free form writing has a way of letting out your innermost thoughts and things you’d really rather be talking about. For my friends, my rekindled relationship with my very supportive mother and my lover, I am most grateful for the support and the understanding you’ve lent. I’m slowly coming to realize and accept that I am the man you’ve been talking about that has done for you numerous kindness, overcome many an obstacle and in turn was somehow someone to look up to in the past! Slowly with your continuous love and support, I’ll grow back into a better person and leave but a shedding of skin of my weak past troubled self.
I guess we’ll talk about Cobra Kai the next time I feel like writing.
Thanks for dropping by.
END
